My Hometown Was So Dull That One

Vaudeville Could Not Vouch For The Honesty, The Integrity, Or The Mentality Of The Individuals Who Collectively Made Up The Horde The Medium Embraced. All The Human Race Demands Of Its Members Is That They Be Born. That Is All Vaudeville Demanded. You Just Had To Be Born. You Could Be Ignorant And Be A Star. You Could Be A Moron And Be Wealthy. The Elements That Went To Make Up Vaudeville Were Combed From The Jungles, The Four Corners Of The World, The Intelligentsia And The Subnormal.

Success Is Like Dealing With Your Kid Or Teaching Your Wife To Drive. Sooner Or Later You'll End Up In The Police Station.

During The Samuel Johnson Days They Had Big Men Enjoying Small Talk; Today We Have Small Men Enjoying Big Talk.

Her Hat Is A Creation That Will Never Go Out Of Style; It Will Just Look Ridiculous Year After Year.

There Are Two Kinds Of Jokes - Funny Jokes And Jack Benny Jokes.