My Good Friend Paul Shaffer And I

Do You Know What I'm Going To Do When I Retire? I Hope To Become The New Face Of Scientology.

Obama Said They've Had Some Glitches With The Affordable Care Website. I'll Tell You Something. If You Order A Pair Of Pants Online And They Send You The Wrong Color, That's A Glitch. This Is Like A Carnival Cruise, For God's Sake!

And Tar Is Washing Up Onto The Beaches - Big Globs Of Tar. And People Are Saying, 'is That Going To Ruin Our Summer At The Beach?' No, Of Course Not. You Take The Big Blobs Of Tar And You Use Them To Hold Down Your Blanket.

Congratulations To Chelsea Clinton. Over The Weekend, She Gave Birth To A Baby Girl. The Baby Girl Will Not Confirm Or Deny Whether She's Running In 2056.

The Candidates At The Republican Debate Looked Like A Town Council That Was Outlawing Dancing. They Looked Like A Board Of Directors That Was Lying About Poisoning A River.