My Friend Says Touche Way Too Much.

My Friend Asked Me I Ever Swam With Dolphins. I Was Like, 'yeah, Of Course. What Distance Are We Talking About From The Dolphins? Because The Last Time I Was In The Ocean, I'm Pretty Sure I Swam With Most Of Them.'

To Make Even Fewer Friends Try Talking About Politics As Much As You Talk About Yourself.

I Like Digital Cameras, Because They Enable You To Reminisce Immediately.

There's A Very Fine Line Between Giving Someone The Heimlich Maneuver And Dry-humping A Stranger.

If I Have To Move Up In A Building, I Choose The Elevator Over The Escalator. Because One Time I Was Riding The Escalator And I Tripped. I Fell Down The Stairs For An Hour And A Half.