My Best Advice: Fall In Love With

I'm Onstage For An Hour.i Do An Hour Of Stand-up. Actually, I Do 10 Minutes Standing Up And 50 Minutes Sitting In A Chair. Oh, Occasionally, I Stand Up Again To Do A Dance Or Put Over A Song. But Mostly I Sit Down. A Great Invention, Sitting Down.

I'm Very Pleased To Be Here. Let's Face It, At My Age I'm Very Pleased To Be Anywhere.

I Can't Understand Why I Flunked American History. When I Was A Kid There Was So Little Of It.

Old Age Is When You Resent The Swimsuit Issue Of Sports Illustrated Because There Are Fewer Articles To Read.

When Asked In His Late 90s If His Doctor Knew He Still Smoked, Burns Said, 'no ... He's Dead.'