Last Halloween I Ran Out Of Candy

The Mayor Of Sochi Is Now Saying That There Are No Gay People In Sochi. So The Only Thing That Is Flaming Over There Now Is The Olympic Torch.

You Probably Heard About The Big Prisoner Swap With Cuba. A Man Who Has Been Incarcerated In Havana For Five Years Is Back Home In The United States. And We Sent Them Some Prisoners. The Deal Still Has To Be Approved By President Obama And Bud Selig.

I Wouldn't Give My Troubles To A Monkey On A Rock.

Congratulations To Chelsea Clinton. Over The Weekend, She Gave Birth To A Baby Girl. The Baby Girl Will Not Confirm Or Deny Whether She's Running In 2056.

Mitt Romney Said That He Liked To Fire People. Well, There's A Pretty Good Message To Send To Middle America. When Rick Perry Heard That, He Said, 'well That's Nothing. I Like To Execute People.'