Last Halloween I Ran Out Of Candy

I Got Some Good News Earlier Today Before The Show. Thanks To Alex Rodriguez, I Am No Longer The Most Overpaid Disappointment In New York City.

Mitt Romney Is Not Going To Run For President. Mitt Said It's Time For Fresh Faces. So That's Good News For Bruce Jenner.

After My Bypass Surgery I Knew I Had To Change My Lifestyle, And Then It Occured To Me - I Don't Have A Lifestyle.

They're Doing Everything They Can To Tighten Security At The White House. Today, On The Roof Of The White House, They Added One Of Those Fake Owls.

Some Secret Service Guys Crashed A Car Into The White House. And They Had Been Drinking When It Happened. Actually, They Hit A Barrier Trying To Get To The White House. It's The Same Thing That Is Happening To Hillary.