I Saw A Robin Redbreast In Central

George Clooney Is On The Program Tonight. Next Week At This Time I Will Be In A Hardware Store Watching Them Mix Paint.

All Comedians Are Preoccupied With One Thing And With One Thing Only-themmm-selllves. It's A Horrible Lot In Life.

Today Would Have Been The Birthday Of Osama Bin Laden. It Makes Me Remember When Seal Team 6 Threw Him A Surprise Party.

I Knew That If I Woke Up Hung Over, I Couldn't Do The Best Possible Job On The Show, So I Had To Quit. Also, I'd Consumed A Lot Of Beer For A Lot Of Years, And I Thought, That's Enough. I've Had My Fun And I'm Glad I Quit.

Today Is Tax Day. A Lot Of People Are Hoping They Get Refunds. And That's Just The Folks Here In The Audience.