It's All Been Satirized For Your Protection.

The Only Sport I Really Get Into Is Snowboarding. Cause That's The Only Sport Where They Perform A Half Pipe Just After Smoking A Full Pipe.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

This Has Been A Learning Experience For Me. I Also Thought That Privacy Was Something We Were Granted In The Constitution. I Have Learned From This When In Fact The Word Privacy Does Not Appear In The Constitution.

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

When I Was 5-years-old, I Knew Who Khrushchev Was.