I'm Not For Everyone. I'm Barely For

I Just Wanted To Be A Good Comic And Had No Sense Of Show Business, But At Some Point You Want The Opportunity To Write A Show About Your Life.

Dogs Are Too Much To Handle. I Don't Need Anything In My House That's Needier Than Me.

For 15 Years Of My Life I Smoked, I Drank, I Used To Do Drugs... But During That Time, I Never Once Thought I Was Going To Die. But The Second I Set Foot On A Stairmaster -the Second- I Am Sure My Heart Is Gonna Explode And Blood Is Gonna Spray Out Of My Nose.

I'm Not A Moron, But Science Fiction To Me Requires A Suspension Of Disbelief And Honest Curiosity Or Fascination In That Kind Of Bullshit. I've Just Never Been Able To Make That Jump, Really. I Like Things To Be More Organic.

Buying My Wife A Gun Sort Of Like Me Saying, ' You Know, I Kinda Want To Kill Myself, But I Want It To Be A Surprise'.