I'm Not Being Condescending, I'm Too Busy

I'm Obsessed With Tv. How Wrong Our Parents Were When They Said We Should Only Watch An Hour A Day. Stop Wasting Your Time Reading Books.

Recently My Girlfriend Asked Me If I Was Having Sex Behind Her Back And I Replied, "yes, Who Did You Think It Was?"

But What's True About Comedians Is That We've All Got A Huge Hole In Our Personality. In A Room Of 3,000 People, We're The One Person Facing In The Opposite Direction - Yet We Have This Overwhelming Desire To Be Liked.

My Girlfriend Bought A Cook Book The Other Day Called 'cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking'. Which Is Perfect For Her, Because Not Only Is She Vegetarian.

Saying That You Don't Believe In Magic But Do Believe In God Is A Bit Like Saying You Don't Have Sex With Dogs, Except Labradors.