I'm Not A Comic. I'm A Humorist.

When I Lost My Rifle, The Army Charged Me 85 Dollars. That Is Why In The Navy The Captain Goes Down With The Ship.

Luck Is Opportunity Meeting Up With Preparation. So You Must Prepare Yourself To Be Lucky.

I Waited At The Counter Of A White Restaurant For Eleven Years. When They Finally Integrated, They Didn't Have What I Wanted.

I Won't Say I'm Out Of Condition Now - But I Even Puff Going Downstairs.

White Folks Are The Luckiest People: Finally A Black President And He's A Behaved One. Went To The Best Schools, Best Colleges, Never Raises His Voice. I Ran For President In 1968. I Tell (audiences) If I Won, I Would Have Dug Up The Rose Garden And Planted Watermelon!