I'm Not A Comic. I'm A Humorist.

Dogs Are Great Assets To Candidates, And The Feeling Seems To Be Engendered That If A Dog Loves The Candidate, He Can't Be All That Bad.

...humans Were The Only Creatures In The World That Ate Their Food Cooked. You'd Never Find A Gorilla Frying Up Some Bananas For Dinner Or A Lion Charcoal-broiling A Zebra Steak. Cats Don't Often Run To The Oven With A Mouse Or Bird They've Captured, And A Dog Wouldn't Naturally Prepare Its Rabbit Dinner In A Stew.

We Used To Root For The Indians Against The Cavalry, Because We Didn't Think It Was Fair In The History Books That When The Cavalry Won It Was A Great Victory, And When The Indians Won It Was A Massacre.

You Know, I Always Say White Is Not A Colour, White Is An Attitude, And If You Haven't Got Trillions Of Dollars In The Bank That You Don't Need, You Can't Be White.

Every Holiday On The Calendar, I Check In A Hotel And Fast - I Don't Eat, I Don't Drink, I Don't Talk.