Jesus Forgives Sinners, Not Criminals.

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.

Science Attacks Our Most Cherished Opinions. Opinions Which Come Straight From Our Collective Gut. Oh, Wait, According To Gastroenterologists, The Only Thing That Comes From The Gut Is Waste Left From The Digestion Of Food. That’s Right, “waste.” I Guess That Means That Scientists Literally Think Our Opinions Should Be Flushed Down The Toilet!

We Are Divided Between Those Who Think With Their Heads And Those Who Know With Their Heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If You Think About Harriet Miers, Of Course Her Nomination Is Absurd. But The President Didn't Say He Thought About His Selection. He Said This: "i Know Her Heart." Notice How He Said Nothing About Her Brain? He Didn't Have To. He Feels The Truth About Harriet Miers.

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor. You Have To Be Able To Just Hit The Backhand. You Can't Think About All The Pieces Of It. You Can't Think About Your Swing. You Just Have To Do It. Reading Someone Else's Deconstruction Of What I Do, All It Does Is Put Me In My Head. On Nights When The Show Goes Particularly Well, I Am Not Aware Of Its Fluidity. A Lot Of Nights I'm Just Worried That I'm Not Going To Be As Good As The Script In Front Of Me.

Who's Britannica To Tell Me That The Panama Canal Was Built In 1914? If I Want To Say That It Was Built In 1941, That's My Right As An American.