I'm A Comic, So I Like To

I'm The Type Of Guy Where One Thing Leads To Another And Eventually It Gets Awful. If I Put A $5 Bet On A Roulette Table Tonight At 10 O'clock, By Tomorrow At Noon I Would Be Running Guns To Cuba.

A-rod Wants To Be Like Babe Ruth. And People Don't Realize This, He's A Lot Like Babe Ruth. Before The Playoffs A Couple Of Years Ago, A-rod Went To The Hospital And Promised A Dying Kid He'd Ground Out To Second For Him.

I'm A Comic, So I Like To Stay Nocturnal. I Work 10 P.m. To 1 A.m.

I Ain't Apologizing For Anything, Especially If It's A Joke.

Comedians, We're Just People Who Whine. But We Happen To Be Funny When We Whine.