I'm A Comedian, Not A Politician.

Having Sex Without A Condom Is Like Riding A Roller Coaster With Diarrhea. You Can't Just Throw Your Hands Up And Enjoy It.

I've Never Not Finished A Masturbatory Session Or A Pizza. Those Are The Two Things I've Never Left Behind.

The Main Thing That I Learned From My Horrible Job Experiences Was How Horrible They Were.

If You've Driven Over To The Gay Section Of Los Angeles, It's Like A Golf Course... Real Estate Values Go 'boom!'

I'd Be At Someone's House Or Be Up On The Roof All Day And I'd Get Lonely - Stir Crazy - And Talk Radio Became This Soothing Voice In My Life. But The Idea That I Was Making $10 An Hour And Stacking Drywall While These Guys Were Making A Few Hundred Thousand, And They Were Having A Party, And There Were Playmates And There Were Good Times, I Just Couldn't Imagine It.