I'm A Comedian, Not A Politician.

When I Am King, I Will Revise The Sexual Bases System So That Getting To First Base Will Include Oral Sex And Sodomy!

I Spoke To My Dad, And He Said It Took Close To 90 Dollars To Raise Me. But That Was Me And My Sister, And My Sister Moved Out When She Was 16, So Sometimes It Can Knock You Up To Triple Digits To Raise A Kid.

That's An Interesting Philosophical Question. When Your Boner Goes Away, Is That One Gone... Forever?

This Is Why The Terrorists Hate Us. And It's Not The Glitter And It's Not The Pomp And Circumstance. We've Got Black And White, We've Got Hispanic And Asian, We Got Gay, Straight, And Guttenberg, All Working Together For One Common Goal: To Get The Mirror Ball. And The Mirror Ball Doesn't Care What Color You Are, And It Doesn't Care How Rich Your Parents Are, And It Doesn't Care What God You Pray To. It's An Even Wooden Floor, And May The Best Man Or Woman Win. And I Say God Bless Dancing With The Stars, And God Bless The Usa.

I Like My Parents But They Are Just Not Good Parents. They Are Nice Enough People. I'm Not Interested In Hurting Their Feelings.