If You Think Democrats Are Going To

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

There Is Good News. Scientists Sent A Probe Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico Today And They Found Traces Of Seawater.

Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

Just Be Happy That Something Traveled 5,000 Miles Across The Pacific And, For Once, It Wasn't Your Job.

Tiger Woods Apologized To The Three Women In America He Never Got Around To Sleeping With.