We've Been On A Long Break And

I Think We Do Sympathize. And A Lot Of Us Think A Lot Of What Snowden Did Was Great, And You're Abetting Him. But, We Also Think, Well, If We Are Going To Have Someone Who Is Going To Be The One To Take Secret Materials And Disseminate It...why You? You Weren't Elected To That Post. That Seems To Be What The Question Always Comes Down To.

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

One Of The Reasons I Still Do Stand-up Is Because It Was So Hard In The Beginning That I Feel Like It Would Be Such A Shame Not To Redeem It That It's All Fun.

Did You See Britney Spears At The Video Music Awards? I Don't Want To Say That That Performance Was A Disaster, But After The Show, I Saw Rudy Giuliani Having His Picture Taken Standing On Her.

Rand Paul And Chris Christie Both Said Vaccinations Should Be A Choice, Not A Government Mandate. Because When Have Republicans Ever Told People What They Could Do With Their Own Bodies?