If You Nail A Tool Shed Closed,

The Sicker You Get, The Harder It Is To Remember If You Took Your Medicine.

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? This Title Offends All Three Major Religions, And Even Vegetarians!

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

The Golden Gate Bridge Should Have A Long Bungee Cord For People Who Aren't Quite Ready To Commit Suicide But Want To Get In A Little Practice.

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.