If You Are Capable People Are Happy

Gay People Don’t Actually Try To Convert People. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses You’re Thinking Of.

Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion.

When A Man Plays A Woman In A Dress, You're Halfway There. It's Inherently Funny. When A Woman Plays A Man, For Whatever Reason, It's Not That Instant Kind Of Funny.

I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.

Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."