If It's Not Bourbon Or Sweatpants, It's

Oh Spare Me, Being Stuck In Your Bedroom Is Not Like Prison. You Don't Have To Worry About Being Gang-raped In Your Bedroom.

I Feel Like If I'm Going To Give You A Book About My Dad, Then I Really Want To Give You My Dad, Because He Is Interesting And He Is Funny And If You're Buying A Book About Him, I Don't Want You To Have To Sit Through Stuff That's Not Him.

My Parents Had Irrational Fears Of Mexico And Assumed That Once You Crossed The Border, Drug Runners Made You Swallow A Heroin Balloon And Then Within The Hour You Were In A Bathtub Full Of Ice And They Were Harvesting Your Kidneys.

You Say You’re Sick, Huh? Well, It Looks Like You’ve Come Down With A Case Of Bullshit.

The Baby Will Talk When He Talks, Relax. It Ain't Like He Knows The Cure For Cancer And Just Ain't Spitting It Out.