I Understand Being Less Sexy Than Osama

I Find Washington Audiences Are Basically The Same As Every Other Audience; They Watch Me And Go, 'who's Idea Was It To Go See Him? And Is It Too Late To Ask For My Money Back?'

I Always Felt Bad For Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa Lived A Whole Life Helping Starving Children And Dying Villages, But She Could Never Be Declared A Saint 'cause She Never Actually Performed A Miracle. And It Was Towards The End, She Was Desperate To Perform A Miracle, So She Would Go Up To Starving Children And Go, 'what's That Behind Your Ear? It's A Quarter!

If You're A Lead Actor, People Are Just Waiting To Say 'you're Too Old' Or 'you're Too Unhip.' If You're A Supporting Actor, You Can Just Work Forever.

I Personally Think Miles Davis Is A Lot Funnier Than Me. And He's Working More.

I Just Split Up With My Girlfriend, But Like The Japanese Say, “they’ll Be Another One Floating By Any Minute Now.”