I Understand Being Less Sexy Than Osama

I Was The Class Podiatrist. I Never Made It To Class Clown. I Wasn't Funny Enough. I Would Examine Feet And Prescribe And Ointment. It Was A Sad Childhood.

I Changed The Face Of Comedy. I Used To Be Funny.

People Have Many Theories About Comedy, But Being Just Plain Funny Is The One Most Important Thing.

I Just Don't Accept Midgets As Human Beings. There's Only So Much Political Correctness I Can Accept.

I Always Felt Bad For Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa Lived A Whole Life Helping Starving Children And Dying Villages, But She Could Never Be Declared A Saint 'cause She Never Actually Performed A Miracle. And It Was Towards The End, She Was Desperate To Perform A Miracle, So She Would Go Up To Starving Children And Go, 'what's That Behind Your Ear? It's A Quarter!