I Think We Should Take Iraq And

My Biggest Regret In Life Is That I Didn't Hit John Denver In The Mouth While I Has The Chance.

I'm One Of The People That When I Wake Up I Have To Do What I Do. It's Not Like I Want To Do It. I Kind Of Have To Do It.

Kids Are Incredibly Expensive. But It Pays Off Later When They Are Better Educated, Bigger, And Better-looking Than You. And Find You Incessantly Boring And Uncool.

Anybody Who's Done Standup Will Tell You That There's Nothing Like It. The Show Starts At 8:00, The Curtain Goes Up And There's Nobody Else Except You And The Audience, And You Just Perform For Them For Two Hours. Nobody Yells, 'cut!' There Are No Retakes. That Is Still The Most Exciting Medium For Me, And I Love It.

Most People Think, "life Sucks, And Then You Die." I Disagree. I Think Life Sucks. Then You Get Cancer. Then You Go Into Chemotherapy. You Lose All Your Hair, You Feel Bad About Yourself. Then All Of The Sudden The Cancer Goes Into Remission, And Then All Of The Sudden You Have A Stroke. You Can't Move Your Right Side. And Then, Maybe, You Die.