I Think That I Don't Panic As

When You Compare Christmas To Hanukkah, There's No Comparison. Christmas Is Great. Hanukkah Sucks! First Night You Get Socks. Second Night, An Eraser, A Notebook. It's A Back-to-school Holiday!

I Was A Drinker, So I Went Through The Scotches. Before Single Malts Hit, There Were Really Cheap Scotches, Because Nobody Was Paying Attention To Them. Then By The Time They Started Jacking Those Prices Up, I Moved On To Vodka.

Anybody Who Likes Writing A Book Is An Idiot. Because It's Impossible; It's Like Having A Homework Assignment Every Stinking Day Until It's Done. And By The Time You Get It In, It's Done And You're Sitting There Reading It, And You Realize The 12,000 Things You Didn't Do. I Mean, Writing Isn't Fun. It's Never Been Fun.

It's Great That We're Bringing Democracy To Iraq. I Can't Wait To See How We Do It! What Are We Gonna Do, Give Them Our Civics Textbooks?

Wow, You Survived A Blackout. You're Made Of Stronger Stuff Than Ice Cream.