I Think Stand-up Comedy Is This -

My Wife Told Me That In The Bible, Abraham Circumcised Himself... Wow! I Can't Even Get To The Bank Before It Closes.

My Childhood Best Friend Is An Anesthesiologist. It's The Least Amount Of Human Interaction For A Doctor. I Don't Think You Can Get That Burned Out On It.

For Me, Stand-up Comedy Is A Conversation Between Me And The Audience. I Have To Keep Them Listening. When I'm Making Jokes About Cake For Twenty Minutes, I Have To Make Sure My Audience Is Interested And Following Where I'm Going.

Thanksgiving Is The Most Complicated Meal You Can Think Of. Every Night, Dinner Is Just Pasta. It's Just Different Shapes Of Pasta.

We Are All A Little Weird. And We Like To Think That There Is Always Someone Weirder. I Mean, I Am Sure Some Of You Are Looking At Me And Thinking, “well, At Least I Am Not As Weird As You,” And I Am Thinking, “well, At Least I Am Not As Weird As The People In The Loony Bin,” And The People In The Loony Bin Are Thinking, “well, At Least I Am An Orange”.