I Think A Lot Of People Have

I'd Like To Have A Kid, But I'd Probably Get A Frank Sinatra Jr. Instead Of A Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd Totally Screw Up Like That.

A Landlord Is Showing A Couple Around An Apartment. The Husband Looks Up And Says, 'wait A Minute. This Apartment Doesn't Have A Ceiling.' The Landlord Answers, 'that's Ok. The People Upstairs Don't Walk Around That Much.'

I've Never Understood People Who Say They're Not A Practicing Jew. You Never Hear A Black Guy Say He's Not A Practicing African-american. What Does It Even Mean?

I Was The Class Podiatrist. I Never Made It To Class Clown. I Wasn't Funny Enough. I Would Examine Feet And Prescribe And Ointment. It Was A Sad Childhood.

I Don't Know If I Change My Act From Century To Century. Sometimes I'm Onstage Doing Imitations And References To People Who Have Been Dead For 50 Years.