I Run Everywhere And Eavesdrop. It's The

I Am Thankful I Was Born In America, Although If I Gain Any More Weight The Burqa Thing May Start To Seem Like A Good Idea To Me. See? Another Plus About America, You Can Always Find Some Food.

As A Standup Comedian, I've Worked Almost Every New Year's Eve Of My Adult Life. It's The Best-paying Night Of The Year.

I'm Just A Person Trapped Inside A Woman's Body.

I Can't Get Married. I Can't Fake Sleep For 30 Years.

Now That The Court Has Declared Money To Be Speech, I Say We Replace The Current Court With Some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, A Couple Of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, A Sacajawea Or Two, And An Abe Lincoln To Cover Scalia In Full.