I Read Recipes The Same Way I

At The End Of Every Year, I Add Up The Time That I Have Spent On The Phone On Hold And Subtract It From My Age. I Don't Count That Time As Really Living. I Spend More And More Time On Hold Each Year. By The Time I Die, I'm Going To Be Quite Young.

I Like Whomever To Come To My Shows. I Want People Who Want To See Me To Come See Me. I Don't Want To Force People. I Don't Want It To Feel Like A Job!

When I Was A Kid, I Had Two Friends, And They Were Imaginary And They Would Only Play With Each Other.

All Men Are Afraid Of Eyelash Curlers. They Don't Understand Them, And They Don't Want To Get Near Them. I Sleep With One Under My Pillow, Instead Of A Gun.

Men Forget Everything; Women Remember Everything. That's Why Men Need Instant Replay In Sports. They've Already Forgotten What's Happened.