I Loved Comedy All My Life. I

Part Of My Platform Is, Of Course, The Guilty Must Be Punished And That We No Longer Let Our Children See Their Guilty Leaders Getting Away With Murder. Because It Teaches Children, You Know, That They Don’t Have To Have Any Morals As Long As They Have Guns And Are Bullies And I Don’t Think That's A Good Message. . . . I Do Say That I Am In Favor Of The Return Of The Guillotine And That Is For The Worst Of The Worst Of The Guilty.

I'm Fat And Proud Of It. If Someone Asks Me How My Diet Is Going, I Say 'fine - How Was Your Lobotomy?'

I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

I Like It When Very Little Children Think For Themselves, Because They Do Not Have Access To Car Keys Or Credit Cards Or Crack Pipes, But They Have Some Really Funny Lines.

My Husband Says, 'god, Roseanne, I Can't Remember The Last Time We Had Sex.' Well, I Can, And That Is Why We Ain't Doing It.