I Lived In La For Almost Nine

All My Friends Are Always Telling Me How Hard It Is To Have Kids. 'oh, David, It's So Hard.' That's Not Hard. I'll Tell You What Hard Is. Try Talking Your Girlfriend Into Her Third Consecutive Abortion. Yeah, That's Hard, That Takes Finesse. You're Just Inconvenienced.

There Were A Handful Of Shows That Were Just Painful. Not Many, But Things Where I Just Said Going Into It, "why Am I Here? What Am I Doing?"

What President Of The Airline Is Doing Is, He's Urging Everyone To Give Up Their Frequent Flyer Miles For Sick Kids... But As I Was Reading This, There Were Two Empty Seats Next To Me. Why Can't Sick Kids Sit There? If They're So Concerned With Sick Kids, Shouldn't They Have Like A Pen Of Sick Kids Next To The Gate?

I Would Say Just Stop Watching Me, I Guess, At This Point. That Is What I Do, And It Probably Is, In Some Way, A Bit Of A Lecture. I Can See How That's Not Something That Would Be Enticing For You To Watch In A Stand-up Hour.

[on The Dating Handbook] 'with A Telescope, Some Munchies, And A Warm Blanket, Watch For Halley's Comet.' Yeah. I Like That. There's No Time Limit. Just Sit There And Grow Old Together.