I Like Animals Who Trust People.

Where Some People May See Loving Grandparents, I See A Pair Of Feckless Boobs Who Can't Drive, Take Way Too Long To Shop, And Don't Even Have The Most Basic Grasps On The New Technology. As A Staunch Supporter Of The Principles Of Darwinism, I Think That Advances In Modern Medicine Are Starting To Overrule The Survival Of The Fittest, And It's To Our [youngers'] Detriment.

Always Keep Your Words Soft And Sweet, Just In Case You Have To Eat Them.

Once You Pass Forty, A Dime Isn't Worth Bending Over To Pick Up If You Drop One.

We All Ought To Understand We're On Our Own. Believing In Santa Claus Doesn't Do Kids Any Harm For A Few Years But It Isn't Smart For Them To Continue Waiting All Their Lives For Him To Come Down The Chimney With Something Wonderful. Santa Claus And God Are Cousins.

I Know A Lot Of You Believe That Most People In The News Business Are Liberal. Let Me Tell You, I Know A Lot Of Them, And They Were Almost Evenly Divided This Time. Half Of Them Liked Senator Kerry; The Other Half Hated President Bush.