I Just Heard About A Woman In

I Don't Even Read The Papers. I Read 'usa Today' Because It Has Color Photos.

A Pennsylvania Woman Convicted For Shoplifting Was Sentenced To Wear A Badge That Reads "convicted Shoplifter." However, Her Lawyers Hope To Plea Bargain Down To A Bumper Sticker Reading "i'd Rather Be Stealing!.

The White House Encouraged Tom Brady To Be More Of A Role Model. They Would've Said More, But There Was A Drunken Secret Service Agent Streaking Across The Rose Garden.

The Acting Director Of The Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, Said They May Make The Fence Around The White House Taller Because Of The Recent Security Failures. When Asked If He Had Any Other Ideas, He Said, 'uh, Make The Sidewalk Lower?'

A House Panel In Texas Has Approved Full Marijuana Legalization For The State. Yeah, Meaning Texas Could Go From Having Dude Ranches To 'dude, Ranches.'