I Haven't Been Abroad In So Long

[reviewing The New York City Telephone Directory] But It Is The Opinion Of The Present Reviewer That The Weakness Of Plot Is Due To The Great Number Of Characters Which Clutter Up The Pages. The Russian School Is Responsible For This.

All Laughter Is A Muscular Rigidity Spasmodically Relieved By Involuntary Twitching.

One Of The Great Natural Phenomena Is The Way In Which A Tube Of Toothpaste Suddenly Empties Itself When It Hears That You Are Planning A Trip, So That When You Come To Pack It Is Just A Twisted Shell Of Its Former Self, With Not Even A Cubic Millimeter Left To Be Squeezed Out.

When We Think Back To Our Forefathers, With Their Sedentary Lives Of Forest-chopping, Railroad-building, Fortune-founding, Their Fox-hunting And Indian Taming, Their Prancing About In The Mazurka And The Polka, With Their Coattails Flying And Their Bustles Bouncing, To Say Nothing Of Their All-day Sessions With The Port And Straight Bourbon,... We Must Realize That We Are A Nation, Not Of Neurasthenics, But Of Sissies And Slow-motion Sports.

The Surest Way To Make A Monkey Of A Man Is To Quote Him.