I Don't Do Well Around The Angry,

Our Top Story, In 'threat Matrix Reloaded' News ... Attorney General John Ashcroft And Fbi Director Robert Muller Held A Press Conference Today To Announce That Al Qaeda Is Planning Attacks Somewhere Inside The United States At Sometime In The Future. So Go About Your Normal Lives, But With A Vague Sense Of Foreboding.

Declassified Papers Report That John Kennedy Was Taking Eight Different Medications A Day. He Was So Wasted, His Secret Service Code Name Was Ted Kennedy.

As The Democrats Get Revved Up At Their Convention In Boston, President Bush Is Fighting Back The Only Way He Knows How: By Going On Vacation! Ah, It's Nice To Take A Rest, Replenish Your Supply Of Smirks. The Vacation Was Expected, Because Bush Traditionally Takes A Month Off Every Summer To Relax And Avoid Reading National Security Warnings.

In Massachusetts, Scientists Have Created The First Human Clone. The Bad Thing Is That In Thirty Years, The Clone Will Still Be Depressed Because The Boston Red Sox Will Still Have Not Won A World Series.

On Sunday, The President Flies To The Azores Islands To Attend A Summit With British Prime Minister Tony Blair And Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, And Here's My Prediction: Bush Gets Voted Off.