I Don't Apologize For My Behavior Anymore.

I Never Had Any Desire To Be Famous. I Find People Who Do Really Sad. I Genuinely Feel Sorry For Them Because There Is Nothing Of Substancein Their Lives. I Am Happy When I Am Writing Or Performing. Not When I Sit There Being "famous". I Like Recognition For My Work, But Not Recognition For Being "that Bloke Off The Telly". It Is Genuinely Humbling When A Woman Comes Up To Me, As Someone Did Recently, To Say She Wanted To Commit Suicide After Her Husband Died, And My Show Cheered Her Up And Made Her Feel Better. That's Great.

I Enjoy Comedy But It Can Become Wearisome.

I Don't Want To Go Around Making Everyone Else Agree With Me. I Don't Feel The Need To Do That.

People Come Up To Me In Supermarkets And Demand Humour. And The Less Amusing I Am, The More They Piss Themselves. So I Say, "i'm Doing My Shopping, Mate, Ok?" And The Guy Will Be On The Floor In Hysterics. Quite Odd. Eventually I Do Have To Say Something Funny So I Usually Go For Something Pathetic Like, "it's A Nice Place To Shop But I Wouldn't Like To Live Here!" And They Roar Again. Wet Themselves. I'm Lucky Though That I Am Not Massively Famous, I Can Get The Tube Without Much Bother. Must Be Awful Being The Beckhams.

The Trick Is Always To Write In Pairs Because If At Least Two People Find It Funny, You've Immediately Halved The Odds Of It Not Being Funny.