No One Has A Monopoly On Wisdom,

People Come Up To Me In Supermarkets And Demand Humour. And The Less Amusing I Am, The More They Piss Themselves. So I Say, "i'm Doing My Shopping, Mate, Ok?" And The Guy Will Be On The Floor In Hysterics. Quite Odd. Eventually I Do Have To Say Something Funny So I Usually Go For Something Pathetic Like, "it's A Nice Place To Shop But I Wouldn't Like To Live Here!" And They Roar Again. Wet Themselves. I'm Lucky Though That I Am Not Massively Famous, I Can Get The Tube Without Much Bother. Must Be Awful Being The Beckhams.

All Those People Who Go Around Saying Life Begins At Forty, They're Notable By Their Absence. The Nerve.

Even If I Screw Up In My Personal Life, As Long As I'm Not Destroying Myself, I Just Think, "okay, I Screwed Up." I'm Not Mother Theresa.

I'm Really Encouraged By Pope Francis, Because I Think His Attitude Is Totally Laudable.

I Don't Like New Bands. I Don't Want To Be One Of Those Pathetic Old Men In Their Forties Who Knows Exactly What 18-year-olds Are Into.