I Chewed Up A Lot Of Florida

Everybody Wants To Be A Better Version Of Themselves - Everybody. And I Hope One Day I Can Lose Some Weight. Maybe, Who Knows, I'll Hire Myself A Trainer And A Fancy Cook. In Five Years, Maybe I'll Be An Action Hero. Then Again, Maybe I'll Just Be This Guy. Who Knows? But The Fun Part Is Embracing The Human Side Of That.

Look, You Know, You Can't Please Everybody. I'm A Stand-up Comic. I Know That. It Doesn't Matter How Funny You Are And How Well You Do, There's Two People That Are Going To Walk Out Of There Hating You.

Whenever I Realize I'm Being A Goofball, I Write It Down. When I Release The Joke Onstage, I Love Watching The Effect It Has On The Audience. No One Wants To See Someone Talk Who Takes Themselves Too Seriously.

You Need A Wisecracking Buddy Standing Next To You? That's The Role For Me. You Got The Guys Who Are Knock-down, Drag-out Handsome. That's What People Want To See. Let That Guy Be The Hero. But There's Always A Role For The Everyman.

I Have Been A Big Guy All My Life, I Am Not Going To Lose A Bunch Of Weight, Because Then You're Like That Weird Fat Person That Got Skinny But Still Has A Big Head. I Don't Want To Do That. So I'm Just Trying.