I Am Not Lucky. I Am The

Life Is Hard. And We Better Laugh At Everything, Otherwise We're Going Down The Tube.

When A Man Has A Birthday, He Takes A Day Off. When A Woman Has A Birthday, She Takes At Least Three Years Off.

I Have So Little Sex Appeal That My Gynecologist Calls Me "sir."

Never Admit That Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do

On Her Daughter Melissa: The Only Time She Really Cried Is When I Sat Her Down And Told Her That She Was Not Adopted.