I Always Try To Avoid Anything That

Back When Jerry Seinfeld Was Just Another Comedian Hanging Around The Clubs, I'd Imitate Him To Amuse Myself And The Other Comics. The Club Owners Would Say, 'what Are You Doing That For? Nobody Knows Him.'

There Are Certain Things I Don't Want To Joke About. If It's About Somebody Else, It's Fine. If It's About Me, I Think It's Totally Insensitive!

I'm One Of Those People, In Any Country I'm In, If Somebody Could Just Put Me In A Car Or A Bus, I'll Look Out The Window And Say, 'ok, There's The Tower Of London, There's Buckingham Palace, There's Big Ben,' And If It All Takes About Five Minutes, Perfect. I've Seen All Of It And I Can Go Home.

I Guess If They Ever Do A Remake Of 'sophie's Choice,' I Could Play The Meryl Streep Part. I've Got To Work On My Polish Accent. Maybe I'll Be The Definitive King Lear One Day. You Know, If They Ever Feel That King Lear Should Be More Jewy.

A Man Goes To The Doctor For A Check, And The Doctor Exams Him And Says I've Got Bad News, You've Got Cancer And Alzheimers. The Man Goes Thank God I Don't Have Cancer.