Whatever You Do, You're Going To Be

Democracy Is Buying A Big House You Can't Afford With Money You Don't Have To Impress People You Wish Were Dead.

The Champagne They Have Stored Is Getting More Valuable Every Year.

The Closest Thing To Roseanne Barr's Singing The National Anthem Was My Cat Being Neutered.

In 1932, Lame Duck President Herbert Hoover Was So Desperate To Remain In The White House That He Dressed Up As Eleanor Roosevelt. When Fdr Discovered The Hoax In 1936, The Two Men Decided To Stay Together For The Sake Of The Children.

I Play My Life Straight - The Way I See It. I'm Grateful To Audiences For Watching Me And For Enjoying What I Do - But I'm Not One Of Those Who Believe That A Successful Entertainer Is Made By The Public, As Is So Often Said.