God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

I Did A Show In New Jersey In The Auditorium Of A Technical High School ... Technical High School, That's Where Dreams Are Narrowed Down. We Tell Our Children, "you Can Do Anything You Want." Their Whole Lives. "you Can Do Anything!" But This Place, We Take Kids - They're 15, They're Young - And We Tell Them, "you Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You."

I Ate Too Much And Masturbated Too Recently, You Know? It's Bad To Like Jerk Off And Run Out The Door, 'cause You Run Into Somebody. "oh, She Knows..." You Got To Take Some Time Alone To Process The Shame.

Sadness Is Poetic. You're Lucky To Live Sad Moments. When You Let Yourself Be Sad, Your Body Has Antibodies. It Has Happiness That Comes Rushing In To Meet The Sadness.

Stand-up Is Probably The Most Solo Performance In Art.

You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.