False Hope Really Makes You Cynical.

People Say To Me All The Time, "i Get My News From Your Show." And That Isn't The Way They Should Get Their News. But The Choice Is Not Between Getting Their News The Right Way And Getting Their News From My Show. The Choice Is That They Won't Get Any At All Unless You Give It To Them In An Entertaining Package.

Little Do Women Know What Big Ideas I Have In My Pants.

Time Magazine Put Chris Christie On The Cover With The Caption, 'the Elephant In The Room.' And People Magazine Named Him 'sexiest Garbage Truck In A Suit.'

Jesus, As A Philosopher Is Wonderful. There's No Greater Role Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ. It's Just A Shame That Most Of The People Who Follow Him And Call Themselves Christians Act Nothing Like Him.

Gordon Gekko Was Right: Greed Is Good. Because, The Potty-trained Republicans Have Now Stepped Forward - Like The Koch Brothers - To Say, 'you Know What? You Yokels Stop Talking About Defaulting On The Debt, Because I'm Going To Lose A Fortune!'