Children Are Like Crazy, Drunken Small People

How Many Times Can You Say, "no Yanking On One Another's Genitals?" Everything Is Hilarious Until Someone Starts Crying.

I Use An App Called Choremonster. The Kids Earn Points For Brushing Teeth Or Picking Up The Dog Poop. It's Genius.

I Have This Fancy Givenchy Bag. I Don't Know What The Kardashians Have In Their Bags - I Bet They Have Really Expensive Products Or Six Cellphones Or Something. I Have A Cellphone And Some Lipstick For Me, And The Rest Is Just Filled With Stuff For The Kids - Sunscreen And Lip Balm And Little Ziploc Bags Of Pretzels And Cheese Sticks.

I Tell My Kids, "look, Your Life Is A Video Game, And I Have To Get You From Level Zero To 18 As An Independent Person With All Your Skills And Limbs Intact. Every Time You Hit Your Brother Or Throw Food, You're Taking Us All Back."

I Suffer The Terrible Disease Of Low Self-esteem.