Because Of Acid, I Now Know That

I Like Vending Machines, Because Snacks Are Better When They Fall.

I Went To A Restaurant With My Friend, And He Said, "pass The Salt." I Said, "screw You! Sit Closer To The Salt."

I Like Cinnamon Rolls, But I Don't Always Have Time To Make A Pan. That's Why I Wish They Would Sell Cinnamon Roll Incense. After All I'd Rather Light A Stick And Have My Roommate Wake Up With False Hopes.

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

On A Traffic Light Green Means 'go' And Yellow Means 'yield', But On A Banana It's Just The Opposite. Green Means 'hold On,' Yellow Means 'go Ahead,' And Red Means, 'where The Hell Did You Get That Banana At?'