Baby Carrots Are Making Me Gay.

A Native American Group Has Filed A Class-action Lawsuit Against The Government For Mismanagement Of Oil, Gas, Grazing, Timber And Other Royalties Since 1887. They're Seeking $100 Billion. Here's The Good News: The Government Has Responded What I Believe Is An Appropriate Counteroffer: A Two-cent Navajo Stamp.

I'm Off For Two Weeks, So Until I Get Back, Take The Characters In This Tweet And Parcel Them Out One Per Day. Use This Q Wisely.

And My Daughter Said, 'why Are You Yelling At Us?' And I Said, 'i'm Trying To Discipline You!' And Then She Looked Up At Me With Her Tear-stained Eyes And Said, 'this Is How You Teach Children, By Making Them Cry.' And It Was Such A Clenching Reminder - She Won Not Only The Argument, But She Won Life With That Statement. I Just Burst Out Laughing, And I Think They Were So Surprised That I Burst Out Laughing, That They Did Too.

It's August, Which Means Congress Is On Recess And Mitch Mcconnell Has Shimmied Back Into The Ocean To Seek A Mate.

No One Has Any Idea What's Going To Happen. Not Even Elon Musk. That's Why He's Building Those Rockets. He Wants A 'plan B' On Another World.