Baby Carrots Are Making Me Gay.

I Love Being Onstage. I Love The Relationship With The Audience. I Love The Letting Go, The Sense Of Discovery, The Improvising.

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor. You Have To Be Able To Just Hit The Backhand. You Can't Think About All The Pieces Of It. You Can't Think About Your Swing. You Just Have To Do It. Reading Someone Else's Deconstruction Of What I Do, All It Does Is Put Me In My Head. On Nights When The Show Goes Particularly Well, I Am Not Aware Of Its Fluidity. A Lot Of Nights I'm Just Worried That I'm Not Going To Be As Good As The Script In Front Of Me.

Senator John Kyle Claiming That Over 90 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 Percent, That Is Unbelievable...in That It Is Not True. Only 3 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Kyle Just Rounded It Up To The Nearest 90.

Winning The Nobel Prize Does Not Automatically Qualify You To Be Commander In Chief. I Think George Bush Has Proved Definitively That To Be President, You Don't Need To Care About Science, Literature Or Peace.

Ignorance Is Bliss. Oedipus Ruined A Great Sex Life By Asking Too Many Questions.