You're Not A Patriot Unless Even When

Naturally The Smart Thing To Do To Solve Your Economic Woes Is To Demonize The Democrats. And Of Course, Sarah Palin Is More Than Happy To Oblige. She's Been Saying That Obama Hangs Out With Terrorists. And You Know, I Think The Evangelical Lady Who's In A Video Getting Blessed By A Witch Doctor, Who's Married To A Secessionist, And Can't Name A Newspaper -- She's Right, Obama Is Scary.

Talk To Women Who've Ever Dated An Arab Man. The Results Are Not Good.

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

March Madnesss...the Only Place Where You Hear 'kansas Is Advancing.'