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Newt Gingrich Was Campaigning At A Zoo This Week And He Was Bitten By A Penguin. Newt Gingrich Is Always Campaigning At Zoos. Mitt Romney Once Did A Photo Op At A Zoo. That Was A Big Mistake, Because He Stood Next To The Chameleon, And He Changed Colors.

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

There Are Two Things That You Have To Lie To Get Through. One Is Politics, And The Other Is Marriage.

Naturally The Smart Thing To Do To Solve Your Economic Woes Is To Demonize The Democrats. And Of Course, Sarah Palin Is More Than Happy To Oblige. She's Been Saying That Obama Hangs Out With Terrorists. And You Know, I Think The Evangelical Lady Who's In A Video Getting Blessed By A Witch Doctor, Who's Married To A Secessionist, And Can't Name A Newspaper -- She's Right, Obama Is Scary.

That Mitt Romney, He Is A Master Campaigner. This Week He Was Introducing His Wife, And He Said, 'she Is The Heavyweight Champion Of My Life.” Which May Explain Why On The Ride Home, He Was Strapped To The Roof Of The Car.