You Should Be As Alive As You

America's Work Ethic Is Non-stop; It's Not Even Enshrined In Law That Workers Have To Get Their Two Weeks Holiday Money. But Americans Work Harder Than Everyone Else I Can Think Of.

I Don't Do Drugs. If I Want A Rush I Just Stand Up When I'm Not Expecting It.

When I Was Young, All The Politicians Looked Like Ancient Latin Teachers Or Greengrocers. They Were Mumbly, Stumbly Men With Their Hair Blowing In Their Eyes, Walking Into Trees, Opening The Wrong Door. They Had No Idea How To Present Themselves.

So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.

Irish People Give Big Hellos And Very Little Goodbyes. Unless They're Female, And Then They Spend Five Hours Talking In The Doorway To The Person That's Leaving Their House.