You Look At Someone Long Enough, You

I'm An Actor Who They Said Was Wrinkled And Balding And Everything Else When I Was In My Early 30's. Most Of The People Who Wrote That Who Thought They Were Younger Than Me Are Now Bald And Wrinkled.

In This Industry, There Are Only Two Ways Up The Ladder. Rung By Rung Or Claw Your Way To The Top. It's Sure Been Tough On My Nails.

Now Comes The Part Where I Relieve You, The Little People, Of The Burden Of Your Failed And Useless Lives. But Remember, As My Plastic Surgeon Always Said: If You Gotta Go, Go With A Smile.

I Don't Play Golf Competitively. I Tell Everybody That I Cheat So They Won't Gamble With Me. That's Why You Can't Watch Football. Everybody's Gambling. They Don't Want To Watch The Game; They Watch The Spread.

I Hate Giving Advice, Because People Won't Take It.