You Clap. The Censor Wakes Up. We

Pies Were Invented 12,000 Years Ago By The Egyptians. It Was An Easy Way To Preserve Food That Would Be Carried Over Long Distances. They Were Like Ancient Slim Jims.

Tomorrow's Just Your Future Yesterday.

I Don't Know How Much Of A Natural Human I Am. Y'know, The Truth Is, I Never Set Out To Do That, And I Don't Think Of Myself Like That. I Don't Think Like That. It's Not Really About Promotion - I Don't Really Understand The Idea Of Promotion, Talking To A Camera For More Money. That's Just Money. And I Like Money, Don't Get Me Wrong. I Don't Know. I Don't Get It. I Don't Understand It As Much As You Don't Understand Me, I Think.

I Like Football. I Find Its An Exciting Strategic Game. Its A Great Way To Avoid Conversation With Your Family At Thanksgiving.

Here's A Tip For All You Aspiring Young Comics: Don't Beat Up The Customers. It Is Very Difficult To Get Laughs From An Audience When You've Actually Drawn Blood From One Of Their Number. It Kills The Mood.