Why Would We Go To War On

First, [in High School], I Smoked A Lot Of Pot...and That's How I Got To Know The People 'half In' The Society Of My High School And We Waved At Each Other Over The Bong. Then I Got To Know People By Making Jokes.

You Don't Look Up Truthiness In A Book, You Look It Up In Your Gut.

When Meeting Royalty, It Is Very Important, No Matter How Excited You Are, Not To Vomit On Them. Instead, Vomit On The Nearest Commoner.

The Skinnification Of America's Jeanscape Has Gone Too Far.

If I Ever Succumbed To The Demon On My Shoulder Going, "you Should Get Something Special Because You're Famous," That Is The Moment That My Behavior Will Be Caught On Social Media For All Time. I'm Even Afraid To Use It To Get A Reservation. This Is The Person Who Will Tweet, "can You Believe What This A-hole Did?"