When It’s Quiet In My Head Like

I Finally Understood That By Being On A Perpetual Diet, I Had Practiced A "disordered" Form Of Eating My Whole Life. I Restricted When I Was Hungry And In Need Of Nutrition And Binged When I Was So Grotesquely Full I Couldn't Be Comfortable In Any Position By Lying Down. Diets That Tell People What To Eat Or When To Eat Are The Practices Inbetween. And Dieting, I Discovered, Was Another Form Of Disordered Eating, Just As Anorexia And Bulimia Similarly Disrupt The Natural Order Of Eating.

I Wondered If That's What Aging Felt Like. That Desire And Reality Were Dueling Until The Day You Die, That Nobody Every Got To A Place Of Peace. I Had Always Wanted To Get Old So I Didn't Have To Care Anymore, But I Began To Think That It Would Be Best Just To Skip The Getting Older Part And Just Die.

And I Somehow Always Felt Less Lonely When I Was Completely Alone.

When I Was Anorexic It Just Seemed Like I Literally Wanted To Disappear. And Now I Would Like To Reappear.

Average. It Was The Worst, Most Disgusting Word In The English Language. Nothing Meaningful Or Worthwhile Ever Came From That Word.