There's No Male Oprah.

Did You Ever Notice They Never Take Any Fat Hostages? You Never See A Guy Coming Out Of Lebanon Going: "i Was Held Hostage For Seven Months And I Lost 175 Pounds, I Feel Good And I Look Good And I Learned Self-discipline. That's The Important Thing."

If You See Me Doing A New Stand-up Special, It Probably Means I've Been Out Of Work For A While.

No Matter What Anybody Says, Relationships Are Based On Physical Attraction. The First Time I Saw My Wife, It Was Pure Animal Whatever.

We Live In A Country Where John Lennon Takes Eight Bullets, Yoko Ono Is Walking Right Beside Him And Not One Hits Her. Explain That To Me!

Kathy Bates Is Sexy. It's Partly Because Of Her Talent, But She's Got A Great Face, And A Great Laugh.